A Check In Episode!

We're 4 episodes in and it's time for a check in!  Tiffany talks about recent events in her life with her mom, and it creates opportunity to talk about how we all deal with the here and the now with the situations that come our way.

How are you doing?  What's been going on?  Send us fan mail to let us know!

Resources:

AgeWell Middle Tennessee

Click here to view more helpful resources!

Transcript

[Music]
Welcome back to Live Through the Ship Podcast.
I'm your host Tiffany J. Harris and I'm really excited that you're here.
Special thanks to the Russell National for letting us host our podcast here.
I'm really excited to be back and today we're going to do a little
special episode. We're going to start doing check-ins. So this is our first
check-in episode and I have my little handy-dandy notebook.
And for some reason I can't remember what show that's from. So if someone
knows, please put that in the comments because I'm
linking right now. But we're going to do a check-in episode and we're going to
just check in and see how you all are doing. Let you all know what's going on with
me right now. This is really the podcast that lets you know that you're not
crazy. You're just going through a lot of shift. You're going through a lot of
stuff and that's okay. And growing through a lot of stuff can be
difficult and what also makes it a lot easier is when you're around people who
really understand what you're going through. Maybe they have a shared
experience and that's really the point in this podcast is that
you're not really alone and that's what we're really trying to let you know
out here that the human experience is basically we're all going through it.
We're really going through it but we're going to share. We're going to talk about
some things. We've got about three episodes that have come out so far and the
past episode was about career and it featured a really good friend of mine
Crystal Marshall. I call her my other big sister and
she came on and she talked about career and we talked a little bit about
caregiving. So if you're wondering this is supposed to be a
caregiving podcast. It still is. And the thing is that a lot of us we still have
lives so we still have to unfortunately work and we have to take care of our loved ones
and things of that nature. So she really touched on career and really to kind of
build the life that you want. And that was really what I want to
her to come on and talk about because I feel like several years ago before my
mom's diagnosis got progressively worse which you know
as dementia is neurodegenerative and it will you know break down. I noticed that
I probably could have planned a lot more effectively and I was stuck in a freeze
mode and I was talking to Drew my producer and we were talking about
basically this is like a recurring theme of you know fear and not in freeze mode
and not really making decisions and for me I know that with my brain ADHD which
I am diagnosed but I've always been in a freeze mode and sure that might be a
traumatic response but also I just don't want to make the wrong decisions
because there's so many people who have a hand in my mom's care. So that's what
we're really going to talk about today is just really checking in trying to get
our freeze mode. So right now what's going on with me is that my mom is actually
in the hospital so yummy. And she got a UTI and if you don't know anything
about UTI it's TMI. Basically if someone has dementia and they get UTI it can
cause a huge backslide and their progression and they can be really great one day
and then the next day is like Dr. Jekyll Mr. Hyde completely different behavior
and that's what I kind of noticed our column on whenever she's kind of getting a
little feisty our colleague in spicy that's when I kind of notice okay I think she's got a UTI
so she's in the hospital right now and we're
seeming like she might have backslide a little bit and you know if you're a
dementia caregiver or if you're a caregiver you know that you're gonna end this
for the long haul so you're kind of in it for the hiccups and the bumps and the
rides along the way and that's where we kind of are. I definitely have that my
little cry moment but to be better I used to say that I would cry every week but
now it's like every two weeks or something like that I just feel like I kind of like
I don't know why just say I move or something I feel something and then I can you know just like
have a release but yeah this is it's definitely I'm gonna be completely honest and say
sometimes it's not fun and it's not but it made me think about this story so this is what I'm
gonna say is even when things are really really hard it's really easy for us to say okay I'm not
gonna move and I know for me when my mom first got diagnosed I was very much in the frame of if it's
not broke don't fix it like if it ain't broke don't fix it she's fine she can live her life because
I really just wanted to stay off as hands on this possible because I knew as soon as I went
full in it would be really hard for me to pull back and I noticed that as time went on I wish that
I maybe sat down with someone and went over that so I'm gonna give you some really great
resources but I'm gonna give you the story so when I was younger my mom we were supposed to we were
all gonna move into our our first outfit she was she had bought a home and if you know anything about
housing now you know it takes a long time for like housing on an escrow and you know close in the house
to get the keys and all that stuff and I didn't understand that I'm 15 and my mom tells us she says
hey you and your sister need to start packing up and getting ready to move and we said okay sounds
good she said we're gonna move in the next month or so and we said okay great so we started packing
and then we kind of didn't have the keys because we were gonna just progressively move out into you know
the house and we noticed that that one month kind of got extended to four months and over time we
slowly lost the ability to want to start packing because we just thought this is never gonna happen
and you know she said okay are you guys packing and we said yeah like we'll pack but you know we just
don't really think about it because we really had kind of given up hope that we were ever gonna move
and then finally my mom picks me up from tennis practice one day and she says hey are you ready to
move and I said oh yeah just let me know when you get the keys and she says I got the keys are you
ready to move and I was not I had not packed anything I had not packed anything or I had packed like a
few things and if you ever watched the comfy couch basically I was like Molly and I was just throwing
everything just trying to move out I mean I'm a sister who was just throwing everything trying to move
out of this two-bedroom apartment into this you know townhouse in Chicago and that was when you know
of course we're very excited and we're so happy that we move but that was when I kind of thought back
to this point of yeah I stopped preparing because I thought it wasn't gonna get better I didn't think
that we were ever gonna get out of this situation and I've heard a lot of people talk about like
different situations in regards to worst-case scenario best-case scenario and I believe it was on
balanced black girl podcast and then I think it's now like it's called she's so lucky and she was
talking about when you are writing down stuff as she said I just write down best-case scenario so
you're probably listening to this podcast and you're saying what the heck are you talking about
because this is the worst-case scenario and yeah it definitely is and I've been there
and your feelings are so valid and I also challenge you to think that maybe just maybe I'm not
gonna say I hate it when people say like well I can be where you can be hopeless people just
say things just to be like motivational and toxically positive and I'm just gonna say I'm gonna just
challenge you just to have like a different perspective and I feel like especially for me when I
was taking care of my mom and I was working and I was doing all those things I just said gosh I really
wish that I had maybe just thought into the future and thought how is this gonna be better how can
I make this better what can I do to really create the life that I want and I think I was so focused on
I want this one situation to work I want this job to work I want this relationship to work I want
everything to work the way it is but also the variables have changed so that no longer applies to me
at this point so that job does not work for you I know you want to make your work it doesn't work
for you I know you want this relationship to work for you it doesn't work for you because every single
thing has changed about the situation so the equation is different and the answer is different
so that's really my challenge to use to say right down like SK scenario yes your loved one has
dementia or they have degenerative or maybe you're just you know in the stage of caregiving and they
don't have you know anything like that but you're just saying gosh this is really exhausting and it's
a lot but also what would make this really awesome would it be I want to go to Pilates I want to I
mean I do like solid core I'm sorry I do nonetheless what is something in your life that you would
say wow okay this sucks but I think we could have a really good life and I remember one of my
girlfriends saying I think you and your mom can have a really great life but it also takes a lot
of effort and also mindset and that's annoying when people really change your mindset and it is
especially when you're like you're like I'm in the gutter I am in the gutter and I'll say for me
right now so yeah my mom is living with me and that is a lot so right now my mindset is okay
right now memory care is very expensive memory care is about like $8,000 for really good memory care
and if you've gone to a college or university you know that's probably the most expensive college
or university that they will ever go to in their entire life so sometimes people are paying over
$100,000 a year and they don't have long-term care insurance which is absolutely ridiculous
and I realize that okay so you're not going to move her to a memory care because yeah she has a
pension she makes a nice amount of money but she doesn't make $8,000 some money and you can probably
do in-home care but what does in-home care look like for you all what who does that mean is coming in
to help you all and not feeling bad about it and not feeling bad for asking for help I can't do all
these things anymore and I realize that if I ask someone once or twice and they can't do it I'm
going to go to somebody else who can't do it and someone who specialized so that's really kind of
my challenge to you is just write down you know or or just start dreaming out of which sounds crazy
like why would you dream and your mom has dimension like what were I'm emphasizing this because that's
the best thing that I could do at this point and maybe it's Zaloo I don't know if that's what the
kids call it but there's a lusional of me to say okay I'm going to write down breast case scenario
we're going to move and someone's going to come in and I'm going to have this type of backyard
and it's going to look like this and and we've set things up and that's one thing that I realized so
in addition to that how I realized that is because I'm very resourceful I am probably very annoyed my
family's like no you're not I know people have been like you were annoyed I was talking to a family
friend and she was saying you're annoying to them great save but I am I probably do a little bit too
much and it's probably because I don't want to bother people and I'll hug anyone I want to make
sure that everything's right but I've also realized that I don't feel bad for asking questions and I
don't feel bad for knowing certain things if I don't know things I will tell you that but what I have
realized is that there are people out here who want to help you and I said that in the first episode
and I'm going to show you this so if you're in Tennessee you should definitely go get one so this
is the age well middle Tennessee book and you can go to agewelltn.org and this is just a really
awesome book I'm actually going to meet with and follow your care um an elder care assistant tomorrow
or a coordinator tomorrow and I was praying and I said God I just I wish you could just give me
information of what I need to do because I've been looking for senior consultant and then what do
you know I flipped to the back of the book and it was an elder care coach so um meet with them tomorrow
to figure out what's the best case scenario for us and how to make this work because as you know
and it's so annoying when people say like you have to put your mask on first and yeah you kind of
do but sometimes that's unfeasible sometimes you're not going to put your mask on first like you're
probably going to say no you you can't catch up one sleep but no I'm I'm probably not gonna you know
put my mask on first I'm gonna put it on her first and then I'm gonna put it on myself and then
I'm gonna run myself ragged and then you know two years catch up and say okay let's reassess
and unfortunately sometimes when you're in an emergency situation and it makes the most sense to
put your mask on first which I definitely believe in that I think yeah but also that's
unfeasible so these are the moments where we start to plan and say okay if I am in this situation
what is my plan so when people talk about you know mental health which are mental health care plan
or you know if you've ever been in therapy and they talk about like what's your safety plan you know
that's this is where this is what I would challenge you to do so if you're you're like oh I'm not
taking care of my parents or maybe I'm in the early stages of caregiving this will be a great time
to have like a safety plan so this would be to write down all your friends who actually answer
their phones and are not on do not disturb the people that you know that you can definitely call
your therapist I've got it planned where I've told you know my therapist and my psychiatrist like
when things get bad I'm gonna need some pencils and she was like yep sounds great like that's great
awesome that's good to know I think that's a really good idea you know so really saying exactly what
you need especially in this and then also you know how are you how are you doing honestly that's
really the point of this I started this because I don't want anybody else to have to go through this
and I know that you know we can't they always say we can't help everyone but I definitely feel like
we can give people resources and resources are free they're basically ample like a phone number is
ample the amount of people that you probably having your phone and you don't call you have no idea
like who's nope you might know someone who knows someone who can help you with the situation so
this is the time for us to kind of get out of our you know uncomfortable modes of asking for help of
of not feeling bad for that and saying it's okay to ask people for help I realize that I know a lot
of people in my life who have pulled back because I think some people they just they don't know how
to help me or sometimes I go to a support group and I feel like I'm really struggling and then
I've to relieve the support group I say well maybe I'm not doing so bad because I'm really figured
out how to advocate for myself and how to advocate for my mom and how to make things work so
and that's definitely something that I would say I want to know how you all are doing you can email us
hello at livingthroughtheshifts.com we really just want it or you can send us a family on best
throughout and you know just comment you know let us know how we can help what do you want to hear
do you want to hear more about career do you want to hear more about care give me I think
this is unfortunately the point where I feel like I'm going through a lot of character development
and I feel I'm good I am good or character development I need to change and I'm sure you know
God would probably say I highly disagree but I know for me I'm like and thank you so much
Jesus and I will fight slightly say sure also I know that I feel like I've I've changed
enough and I've sacrificed enough and my very may well be true and also I probably need to work
through some things and ask for more help but myself in a situation so yeah this is like a gloom
and doom situation sometimes and this is also like oh we're working through it like we are actively
working through it so you know if you're saying well what have you been through well I was at my job
and you know my mom ran away remember a day weekend and that was really fun and we had to catch her
we had to pick her up from the Greyhound station and she ran away twice and I had to call the
fire department and first I called the police and then I said no don't come because you all are
scary so then I had the fire department come and also if the fire department comes and you don't
go anywhere they still charge you they will still they will still send you a bill just for making
an appearance and I remember you know I was with my partner at the time and he was giving me the
information for us to get to you know the psychiatric center and then finally we got her to the
psychiatric center and I just wept and I felt so exhausted and so depleted because she had just
been diagnosed two weeks ago and what derailed her a UTI which is exactly where we are now and as a
result in two weeks I had to move her to a facility I had to move her out of her apartment and I got
me and my really good friend and my partner at the time and we moved everything into the storage unit
like I don't know nine thirty and the storage unit was about to close at 10 and we were like
racing against the clock and we were like okay we have to get everything on and and we did it and
then she moved and then after that you know two weeks later she lost her money from her pension and
then they're like hey you have to get a conservatorship and it was her power returning but the
notary sign is the witness so then I had to meet with an attorney and who is I talking to today my
attorney talking about hey what are the plans that we're going to make regards to her finances and
things like that so then after we got the conservatorship great then something else you know then she
declines then next thing you know she's at a facility and she has to move with me so you know those
are just some of the things that will kind of work through and after she ran away on my birthday
weekend I went back to work like everything was normal because I knew that nobody would understand
and I and I think that's the thing is if you're in the situation you're saying oh like nobody gets
it's time to be around people who do get it so if you're in a job and you're fighting and I feel like
I've never been I've never been married but I've been in a relationship but I've been in friendships
where I've tried so hard to make it work and said why is this not working I want this to work so
bad but I don't know why it's not working and another therapist so definitely going process that
but for me personally I've I've tried to fit myself in the mode and let me do this and let me try
that let me but niggle this let me move this over here and it's not working and you're different you
are completely different person you will probably be a completely different person we have an
episode coming out where my brother-in-law talks about I was becoming an anger version of myself and
I agree way more cynical I'm like Miranda on sex in the city and I couldn't be a school teacher because
if you know my student came to me and he said oh Steve's my best friend and I would say
Steve's gonna kick you at lunch because sometimes I'm just cynical and that's okay but also I can
also be realist and say yeah that's just where you are right now all that to say though is that
you know just just try and like have a better idea of what it is and and you can change yourself
but you can also change yourself or something that works for you so yeah maybe that means you're
finding a job but you're finding a relationship that aligns with you maybe you're finding a job that
has unlimited PTO maybe you're finding a job that has different values in regards to caregivers
and there are companies out there and I can post some resources on the book bus brawl page so you
all have that but there are things out there that can make it a lot easier for you and if you can
sit there where you're not in the sense of distress and you're not making situations such in a
big hurry and in a big rush I think it'll make things a lot easier and especially for me when
you know if I have to think about I know in regards to I don't like the idea of pre-fuel or planning
it's driving me nuts but also I know that I never really like the idea of planning a funeral at the
last minute you know like everyone's like I want to be you know if you think of it like marriage you
know oh we're gonna have this cake and we're gonna do this so we're gonna do that versus I don't
want to be on a scavenger hunt you know and I I can't get a clue it should I've never been good
a clue I've never been good at puzzles I've never been good at any of that so those are just some
of my things and I know this is you know we're still I'm still trying to figure out this format but I
just want to let you know you are so not alone you are not crazy you're just going through a really
tough time and I've met people who have you know they figured it out maybe after the fact and also
I've met a lot of people who have lost themselves throughout this process and they come out and it's
like this veil comes off and everyone who they knew is gone and everything that they once knew is
no longer there and and they're a completely different person and I feel like this is the podcast
like you know you can't bigger things out even in the midst of it and that's a sharing our experiences
and saying like that's okay that you know it is a lot harder that you know the doctor might not
understand that's not really unfortunately they're a job you know to understand things when I was
telling them saying hey I would really love for my mom to stay there a few days later and he's saying
well you know she's doing good I treated her she's doing pretty awesome and I'm looking at it from
you're right you're not a social worker so you don't really have those skills to say okay you're
the resources or I completely understand let's maybe consider a different approach that was
that was kind of hard but also I've been there and I get it so all that to say you're doing a great
job if no one else is gonna tell you I'm gonna tell you you're doing a really great job and there's
no question about it this is such a weird phase of life so if you are taking care of someone
you're doing a good job and if someone comes up to you and they're like oh like God's gonna bless you
which people say that all the time but I really hope that is true and I'm sure it is but I just want to
say like people see your work and you see your work and that's the most important thing that matters
and if you listen to the podcast last week crystal really talked about transferable skills and you're
probably wondering why am I learning all this stuff and I'm in the same situation what do I need to
learn what do I need to grasp from this all of this counts as my dad would say it goes on the resume
it's good for the resume that's what he says and yeah it's good for the resume and it's it's good for
your life and you might not understand why but there there will be something that you will gain from
this that it will help you like down the road so if you're like oh I'm going through this phase of
caregiving and I I can't get a job or something like that you probably are doing budgetate and maybe
you need a stay at home financial job and you're doing finances right now that's something that you can
add to your resume so those are just some random things that I would say but I just I really hope
that this podcast helps people and that you all enjoy it and that you listen and you get the most out
of it and like I said if you have any questions you can always email us we're gonna have really awesome
people coming on here it's all about moving through the shift and living through the ship but also
giving you tangible answers and ways to really process that so we're gonna have some awesome like
therapists come on and people to kind of help you talk about if you have to move your parents into
a facility or into a community and those are really tough things to process through and that's
really why we're here we're living through the shift and we're happier here but we're doing it so
if you have any questions like I said you can email us you can call us oh yeah you can email us I think
it text us I know we're like what's your phone number it's 1-800 now I'm kidding but you can you can
contact us let us know and definitely you can go to agewell.ageltyn.org but this is a really great book
it just it talks a lot about you know caregiving and looks and also it gives you as many resources
as possible so I mean even just flipping through like housing options and it breaks it down based
off county personal support and the support for your loved one is support for you and remember that
so whatever care they need that is care that you need so that you can get a break so if they're
coming in for four hours that is care for you so that you can get a break so that you don't go insane
so I hope this really helps helping out great week and I'll see you next episode have a good one